How do you even fall for your best friend? And it’s even stranger when she is so strikingly similar to yourself; strong and confident, but insecure and holding a deep-seated sense of inadequacy. Although, the insecurity and the sense of inadequacy are the parts of her that are most compelling.

The strangest part, however, is the speed at which this developed from a Platonic relationship to one where I don’t even know how to act in front of her for fear of embarrassment or blunder. I think of her so often, what she is doing, how she feels, but it’s so different; it’s like I’m the one to be there to hold her in moments of despair and provide hope, to be there in moments of joy and be the foundation happiness again tomorrow. 

We have a history of casually remarking that we would be perfect together, jokingly, like it’s something so far-fetched that it’s an ongoing item of small-talk between us. And now I’m starting to consider it fully. And part of me starts to believe it may be true and worthy. 

And, lastly, I can only remember the night when I realised what was happening; as we said good night, she looked at me with dark eyes that made me feel so important and so insignificant, like I could be everything to her, but that only if she would allow for me to be. She looked beautiful, and I touched her on the arm reassuringly, as if to say it could be us, if only either you or me had the bravery, the courage, the riskiness to wear it on our sleeves. How do I tell you, I love you?

Fuck it, I’ve had enough of this weekend and my mind can’t take much more thinking. Off to watch Black Books, and then I’ll turn my mind to questions of loyalty over opportunity, or, to take a worthwhile risk and betray a confidant? 

the-metres-gained:

Fucking hell just get me home so I can drink myself to death.

Oh my, this is going to be me on Friday night.

I suppose there’s times in your life when you need to take stock of where it is your heart and soul lies. I think I’m going through one of these at the moment. It’s like looking back through time and realising you weren’t ready for any of this to even begin, let alone for it to end. And I look at all the graves where people are living, and realise that I’m just so close to joining them in my own. So much of me is already on my knees, that it’s only a short fall from where I am to where I will be comfortably suburban and tired. Without a spine to stand straight, or a heart that will love, a mind free to imagine, a soul strong enough to endure, without any of these, what is there? But, how can any of these things survive in this loneliness? 

It’s really hard to say what’s next, but maybe one day I can be unburdened of this thorny crown and find fulfilment and dignity in my labours. I won’t be stuck in this winter all of my life. 

John Lennon, word.

And it’s at that point, when you know you’ve come too far down the path to turn back, and most of the things you have said about yourself no longer hold true, that paralysis takes over. Bound to a destiny you don’t feel all that confident in shaping, but attracted by the gravity of an image that you have long ago dreamed would one day be true. It’s both with and without. If you could search your soul, you would, but you realise that you are your soul, and to search for something that you are is not possible. It just is, and you need not search, for you already know, but it’s in transforming what is in the soul to its bodily form that requires discovery; the courage to do that which is stupid or dangerous. And you will sit there and contemplate all of this for far too long, knowing already that which must be done, but fearful of clutching for it. But in the full realisation that all that you are fearful of is that you are bound to one other, and that’s something that makes you tremble like thunder. 

yayponies:

It’s a time-honored tradition at Navy homecomings – one lucky sailor is chosen to be first off the ship for the long-awaited kiss with a loved one.
Today, for the first time, the happily reunited couple was gay.

The dock landing ship Oak Hill has been gone for nearly three months, training with military allies in Central America.

As the homecoming drew near, the crew and ship’s family readiness group sold $1 raffle tickets for the first kiss. Petty Officer 2nd Class Marissa Gaeta bought 50 - which is actually fewer than many people buy, she said, so she was surprised Monday to find out she’d won.

Her girlfriend of two years, Petty Officer 3rd Class Citlalic Snell, was waiting when she crossed the brow.

They kissed. The crowd cheered. And with that, another vestige of the policy that forced gays to serve in secrecy vanished.

By Corinne Reilly
The Virginian-Pilot
© December 21, 2011 

A photograph for the ages, and one I can imagine being used by the Obama 2012 campaign to show (disillusioned) progressives how much joy progressive government’s can bring into people’s lives. There are still many more miles to march before we can see a world without homophobia, but each step gets us closer to our destination, slowly but surely.